Babble Australia

What Makes A Better Parent: Your Gut Or The Experts?

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:30:51 +1100

What was the first thing my partner and I did after finding out I was pregnant? Well, we hugged. And then immediately zipped over to Borders, where we sat in a section of the store we didn’t know existed: “Parenting and Children.”

We stayed there for more than an hour, thumbing through books, looking at pictures and searching for information about how to be pregnant. That wasn’t our last trip to the bookstore in the name of getting all things birth, baby and kid right, either. And eventually, we added Dr. Google to the mix.

Sometimes the books were helpful, sometimes they were just a pain. Eventually, we each found the way we were most comfortable as parents and now we just Google the more advanced parenting topics like “lice” and “Rice Krispy treats” recipes.

In other words, we went with our guts, which is what Ada Calhoun, a founding editor over at Babble US, says we should be doing in her new book, Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids. Calhoun argues that with all the conflicting “expert” advice (cry it out! No, co-sleep!), we parents are just driving ourselves nuts. As long as you love your kids, whatever you think is best probably is.

Whew. That’s a relief, right?

Well, even the non-advice parenting advice is met with contradictions. NurtureShock co-author Po Bronson argues that some of our instincts may not be the best way to raise kids. Sometimes, the experts really do know better than mum.

Bronson argues that, sure, parents should listen to their instincts, which tell us to protect our kids. Problem is, those instincts aren’t telling us how to protect our kids. And that’s where the experts come in.

What about conflicting expert advice? He argues there really isn’t any. Sure, there are fads, which we can ignore. But real scientific studies on what’s best have been reproduced again and again by other scientists.

So maybe your gut tells you praising your child will make them better students/dancers/givers. But the studies show, in the long run, praising wrecks motivation.

But here’s what needs to also be said: some experts are, indeed, experts. Others? Well, they’re kind of self-appointed gurus who have widened the scope of their expertise to include personal opinion. So many sleep experts (and paediatricians and mothers-in-law and so on) are guilty of espousing a philosophy rather than guiding others in proven ways — a pet peeve of mine when reading about baby sleep.

Me? I like my gut mixed in with the real science. That thing with the praise? I’ve known about those studies for a long time. So I try to hold back. But sometimes the dirty shirt actually gets inside the hamper and before I can think about how destructive I’m being I blurt out, “good job!”

If that makes me a bad parent, well …

What about you? Gut or science? Tradition or rebellion? How do you figure out what’s best for your kids?

Image: WBUR.org

Maternity Style: 10 Tips For Red Carpet Dressing!

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:30:10 +1100

It can be a challenge to keep stylish at any time let alone when you’re knocked up! Amy Koch, author of the recently released BUMP IT UP – Transform Your Pregnancy into the Ultimate Style Statement, has a neverfail solution. Instead of hiding your baby bump, says Amy, learn to embrace your new shape and form and turn it into “the ultimate style statement.” And to help in that quest, Amy has shared 10 tips from her ‘style bible’ to help us all achieve a ‘red carpet style’ while showing off our baby bump.

Check out the tips after the jump!

1. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!

Start your love affair with the empire waist. This genius silhouette (a Heidi Klum and Nicole Ritchie favourite) gathers under the breast and falls loosely to the hip, knee or floor covering bulging bellies and butts with cascading fabric. The empire waist also put the focus on the arms and shoulders, places where pregnancy weight does not manifest itself.

2. GET THAT GLOW A LA SANDRA BULLOCK BYE!

Exfoliating three times per week removes debris, maximises product penetration, encourages cellular turnover and pumps up luster factor.

3. HAVE A COCKTAIL!

You may not be knocking them back these days, but customising a “cocktail” (beauty parlance for layering a variety of gentle but active products on the face for increased efficacy) of products for the face and décolleté” is integral to great skin. Also, moisturising throughout the day (over makeup) keeps skin moist

4. GET THE JLO GLOW: SHIMMER+BRONZER+OIL

Radiant celebrities should all give a hearty thank you to shimmer powder in their Oscar acceptance speeches. Applying shimmer (it comes in a creamy blush, powder or lotion format) product to the apple of the cheeks, nose forehead and eyelids will give you that insta luminescence of red carpet luminaries. Bronzer is the eighth wonder of the world. The moment that you feel sallow and unattractive, apply bronzer to your face, décolleté and other exposed areas. The result, a sunkissed just- been- to- St Barth’s- glow, will lift your mood instantly. NOTE: Coating on too much foundation, powder and bronzer will leave you looking like a tragic 80’s Cake and Bake victim. For increased dewification, work face oil into the palm of hands and gently pat it into the skin. The oil softens lines and wrinkles and gives a subtle glow. This can be done at any point during the day, even over makeup, when you feel dry.

5. BYE BYE BAGS

Serious bags need serious camouflage. Whatever your ethnicity, combining colour corrector—a pink, peach, yellow or green hued cream—with concealer (should be slightly lighter than your skin tone) can reduce that purple/blue bruised look from under the eyes. For more precision, use a “concealer brush” to blend. I am a fan of the “twofer” that packages both concealer and colour corrector together. This is a Nicole Ritchie regime routine.

6. BACK IN BLACK

There is a reason that, each season, editors declare that “black is the new black”. Black is mysterious (think Tina Fey and Mariska Hargitay) and chic. Black is basic enough to make a statement. Or not. Black is classic. Black is seasonless. Black matches with everything. Black can be dressed up or down. Most important? Because it absorbs light, black hides imperfections and is, hands down, the most slimming colour on the planet. For a pregnant woman, black is the ultimate neutral and should be the foundation of the wardrobe.

7. ADD WOW FACTOR

Channel Mariah Carey and use accessories (as in WOW!!! Where did she get that insane Egyptian choker????) to amp up your sass factor. Whether you are conservative or a Gwen Stefani wannabe, work some drama—boas, lynx, Lucite cocktail ring, chandelier earrings—into your look. Don’t walk out of the house dolled up like Cher in Las Vegas. Simply make a statement. Layer on enough flash to bring your basics to life. And, when you consider whether or not you should buy that metallic handbag, remember that accessories always “work”. Whether you are thick or thin, accessories are a mood amplifier which add a spring to your step and life to your look. Newsflash: statement jewelry does not have to cost an arm and a leg. In fact, costume jewelry often gives you the biggest Gold accessories (real or faux) have an edge.

8. GET HIGH!

A heel visually lengthens your silhouette and, in turn balances out your tummy enhanced proportion.

9. WEAR A SHAPER: SPANX POWER MAMA MID THIGH SHAPER

(with a cut out belly for zero compression) allows you to exert that last ounce of control over your growing body. Layered under pants, capris, dresses and skirts, the shaper hides cellulite, prevents thighs from rubbing together, eliminates VPL and provides support to belly and lower back.

10. TEST DRIVE INNERWEAR AS RTW

Underpinnings give major look for minor dough. A bias cut slip layered with a belted cardigan and funky jewelry offers Desperately Seeking Susan meets Mrs. Robinson cache. How to get the look? Make a pit stop at some of your chic septuagenarian relatives homes and mine their lingerie drawers. Nab gauzy nightgowns, caftans, “bed jackets” and slips. Flea markets and vintage shops are nightgown nirvana. Roomy black satin slips make comfy chic dresses. Bias cut long nighties, especially those with interesting swirls of colour or prints, make glam cocktail frocks. Little Pucci-esque robes can be belted and worn with a heel.

You can pick up Amy’s book from Amazon right here!

Can Kids Be Taught To Read?

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:30:56 +1100

If you’re like me, you’d remember being taught to read. Whether by phonics, memorisation or by Montessori techniques, we’ve all been painstakingly led down the path to literacy by teachers, parents, librarians, and any other adult involved in our early development.

In a new blog at Psychology Today however, Peter grey argues that kids can’t really be taught to read. They learn when they’re ready, in the way that works for them.

Gray is an unabashed advocate of unschooling, a method pioneered by Sudbury Valley School in the 1960s and since adopted by several other private schools and hordes of homeschoolers.

The argument is simple: that kids who are not pushed into structured learning environments will naturally pick up the skills they need to do the things they want to do in the world. In this vision of how children learn, learning to read is like learning to walk. No one teaches a baby how to walk. We all know they’ll pick it up on their own when they’re good and ready.

But is reading as instinctual as walking? Grey interviewed students from Sudbury Valley and other unschooling environments to find out how they learned to read without being taught. From their responses he drew seven key principles for unschooled reading:

For unschooled children, there is no critical period for learning to read.
Motivated children can go from apparent non-reading to reading fluently very quickly.
Attempts to push reading can backfire.
Children learn to read when reading becomes, to them, a means to some valued end.
Reading, like many other skills, is learned socially through shared participation.
Some children become interested in writing before reading and learn to read as they learn to write.
There is no predictable course through which children learn to read.

While I understand the concept behind Grey’s findings, I don’t think one can make the assumption that all kids will intuitively pick up reading skills when they want them. Successful unschoolers tend to come from affluent, educated backgrounds and live in literacy rich environments. I’ve visited Sudbury Valley, and the school has floor to ceiling bookcases packed with good books in several rooms, plus their dedicated library space.

Lot’s of kids don’t have those simple background advantages. Even amongst those that do, learning styles and capacity vary so much that unschooling can’t work for everyone. A mild learning disability can set a child up for frustration and failure, for example, and some kids just seem to need more structure.

I was an intuitive, self-taught reader at a very young age. My five-year-old constantly surprises me by being dead average in the reading department. She doesn’t seem particularly curious about it, isn’t particularly good at it, but is cheerfully led down the path to reading.

Being “taught” to read in kindergarten was a dull waste of my time. I’d sneak chapter books from the library under my desk while the teacher was trying to get the class to recite simple “-at” words together. For my daughter, a little reading instruction seems to be just the thing.

Photo: San Jose Library

More by Sierra Black:

Mean Girls on the Playground

Honey, Don’t Bother the grey Lady. She’s Busy Angering mummy Bloggers

Should You Have Kids?

Working Parents Exhausted

Sleep Training Success Depends on Parents’ Attitudes

They Say: Depression’s Harm To Kids Might Be Reversible

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:30:42 +1100

The research on parents who are depressed is overwhelming. To cite just one long-term study of children who grew up with depressed parents, they suffered three times the rate of anxiety disorders and depression by their 30s, poorer health and a higher dependency on drugs and alcohol compared to those whose parents had no mental disorders.

Depressing? Absolutely. But the good news is the effects of having a depressed parent may be reversible, or so claims research in this LA Times report.

One of the solutions, researchers are finding, is to change destructive parenting practices; a major issue with depressed parents is that they are a lot less interactive with their children. That lack of the “feedback loop” can permanently alter a small child’s brain and lead them to a host of problems. Teaching parents not to withdraw and to be consistent with their children, so the research says, can be very helpful in mitigating the effects of a parent’s depression.

Let me tell you, if you’re a parent who suffers from depression this whole article is enough to make you weep. I had a serious depressive episode when my daughter was about a year and a half old and PND after the birth of my son. In each case, I recognised what was happening before things really fell apart and sought help. Even when I was at my worst, my kids received the best I was able to muster and I’d bet I’m not alone in saying that. One mum quoted in the story said she’s very open about her depression with her older kids, explaining it as like diabetes — a condition she has that she controls medically. She’s also very clear with them that her occasional bouts of sadness aren’t their fault and that she gets help and they can too, if they find themselves suffering.

As upsetting as the story is if you are a parent with depression, it should spur anybody who’s currently doing battle with the black cloud to take it seriously and get help. Take it from someone who’s been there: you’re not a bad person or a bad parent. You’re someone with a disease that is not under your control. You can fix it and the road back can start right now.

They Say: Men Better At Changing Nappies

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:30:07 +1100

Makers of a heartburn and indigestion treatment wanted to know what adults could accomplish in three minutes — the time it takes their product, Gaviscon, to start working.

So they hired analysts from the MindLab Institute to test 1,200 men and women on certain tasks. The results sort of turn gender stereotypes on their ears, if gender stereotypes weren’t so ridiculous in the first place.

The supposed shockers? Men are better at changing nappies, while women are better at changing tires and rewiring an outlet.

Women were found to be better at ironing shirts. Men, they said, excelled when they had to do something quickly and just good enough, not perfect.

Overall, results showed women were faster where eye-hand coordination was concerned and also verbal reasoning (women proved better at winning arguments in the allotted time). Men won in the spatial awareness — reading maps, assembly instructions, putting up a tent.

Women also seemed to be more confident than men in what they thought they could accomplish in three minutes — like sending a text message. But both sexes thought they could make dinner faster than their partners.

I somehow doubt this study, commissioned for marketing purposes, will assist in any great cultural shifts—and certainly not where I live. My husband and I are both nappy changers, both map readers, he doesn’t camp so I’m the only one with tent experience. Women also performed better mopping floors, but I haven’t swept or mopped in years (my husband’s the floor guy). Do I win arguments? Sure. So does he. And while I suspect I would be better at wiring, the fact is I’ve done it before and he hasn’t.

But what do you think of these results? Who wins arguments/assembles furniture in your house?

Should Baby Be Allowed On Board?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:30:05 +1100

Recently on a CNN comment board for a story about fragrance-challenged airline passengers, the discussion segued into on-board kiddos. Should parents be permitted to fly with babies and small children? Pro or con, there’s little doubt that people are passionate in their feelings on the subject.

Comments ranged from the sympathetic…

“How do you expect families to visit relatives overseas without flying? The on-board entertainment is so good these days and headphones are cheap enough that a crying baby could be blocked out.”

…to the downright harsh:

“Babies should be banned from planes, movie theatres, restaurants and any other public place for that matter. The rest of the world doesn’t think your kid is as cute as you do.”

The bottom line is, families with babies have just as much a right to travel as anyone. Like it or not, aeroplane travel is an essential part of modern life. Experts suggest the obvious: keep a dummy and bottle handy, get up off your seat and walk around–if you’re allowed to—learn to have a little patience.

But older kids are another thing. Every kid has a bad day, and yeah, you may just be unlucky enough to sit next to Supernanny fodder. Chair kicking, whining…who likes that? The first thing to do is take a look at the parents. Are they disciplining them? Trying to entertain them? If mum and dad are making a concerted effort, cut them some slack. If they’re not trying to rein in their little gremlin, call in reinforcements. Push the flight attendant button. Hard.

It’s just not that dificult. But that’s my take on the topic; what’s yours?

Image: boston.com

Bad Mum? Mother Working To Weigh 450 Kilos

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:30:53 +1100

Donna Simpson is a world record holder. In 2007 she broke the record for heaviest woman to give birth, at 235 kgs (or as the Telegraph points out “the same as two elephant calves”).

Not satisfied with her single record as world’s heaviest mother, Simpson has set her aim on an even larger distinction. She is pushing to weigh 453 kgs. And she’d like you to pay to watch her do it.

On her website, people can watch Donna’s progress and donate money. She then uses the money to buy more food.

And of course, she’s an American.

It’s incredible that a person could have such drive and tenacity for such a harmful thing. She has the desire and endurance of an athlete. But what kind of legacy does she leave her two kids when she becomes “the woman who died trying to weigh 453 kgs”? What lessons is she teaching them about taking care of yourself, the value of life and how far one should go just for attention?

I can’t say this reflects well on the people donating to her site either. What on earth are they supporting? A morbid laugh? The chance to take part in someone’s death?

Source: Telegraph

Teacher Writes “Loser” Student’s Assignment

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:30:34 +1100

North Carolina primary school teacher Rex Roland has an interesting method for motivating his students. He calls them “losers.”

Mother Patty Clement wants Roland removed from his position after the teacher repeatedly wrote “loser” on her year six daughter’s papers. Some parents of Roland’s other students disagree. They say, along with the teacher himself, that the use of the “L-word” is entirely a joke, a way for the teacher to relate to his kids. Often times the teacher will reward an overachieving kid by calling them a loser.

But Patty Clement is not laughing.

She claims her daughter is being bullied and has started an online petition to jettison Roland—a petition 151 people have signed so far. She claims her daughter receives 100 threatening texts a week. Perhaps that has something to do with her mum trying to oust an apparently popular teacher?

For his part, Roland has apologised, though many think he’s done nothing wrong.

We’ve all had a teacher with a far worse sense of humor than this. That said, while it seems many, if not most, of Roland’s kids get the joke (one former student described him as “the cool teacher that people wanted to be in class with.”) teasing kids of any age, especially younger ones, can be confusing and even traumatic for some.

But what’s your take on this? Would you get the joke if your child came home from school labelled a loser?

Source/Image: AP

Is Breastfeeding From A Bottle Still Breastfeeding?

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:30:06 +1100

In a recent article, Time magazine discusses a new way of feeding babies that’s gaining in popularity: giving baby breast milk exclusively from a bottle.

These mums are pro-breast milk, but for a variety of reasons, they don’t want to feed their baby directly from their breast. As Texas mum Crystal Bard explained, “I just did not like it. I felt locked away. I was young and self-conscious, and everyone would leave the room when I breast-fed. I was lonely.”

While other mums complain that they don’t like the way nursing feels, that they wanted dads to share in feeding responsibilities or that they didn’t want the commitment of being constantly tied to a nursing baby.

Breast pumps — as well as a general lack of support for mums who breast feed in public — are also helping to fuel the trend, says Time; Mums can pump two breasts at once, carry their pumps in stylish purses and even pump milk in the car.

But is feeding breast milk from a bottle an ideal alternative? As one commenter of the article points out, bottlefed children also lose some of the health benefits of breastfeeding, including protection against palate malformation and the need for orthodontia, vision development and a heightened sense of bonding, as well as protection against breast cancer for the mother.

So what’s your take on this new trend? Does it change your stance in the bottle versus breast debate?

Photo

Honey, Don’t Bother The Times. She’s Busy Angering Mommybloggers.

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:30:47 +1100

The New York Times set off a firestorm of criticism in the blogosphere this weekend with a snarky little piece titled, “Honey, Don’t Bother Mummy. I’m Too Busy Building My Brand“.

The article, written by Jennifer Mendehlson (herself a mummyblogger), skewers mums who blog for being too focused on the professional potential of blogging and not focused enough on…something else. Maybe the social aspects? Maybe their kids?

Likening mummyblogs to the Tupperware parties of our mothers’ day, Jennifer breezily mocks the women who gather at conferences like Mum 2.0 and Bloggy Boot Camp to learn “the latest must-have skill set for the minivan crowd.”

Mummybloggers didn’t hold back on letting The Times know what they really think of this assessment.

Mum 101 offered a brilliant summation of the piece, followed by a list of the useful, creative, powerful things mummybloggers are doing. While Kelby Carr argued that the Times has had it in for mums who blog for a long time and broke down the gender politics behind the bias pretty persuasively.

On Twitter, Finslippy encouraged everyone to follow her example and send angry letters to Times editors. Her Bad Mother pointed out that while the article made passing mention of her recent road trip to Disney in a GM Canada sponsored van, the Times saw fit to link only to the major advertisers it mentioned, not to the charitable work she’s doing to raise awareness and research funds for a disease that is slowly killing her nephew.

Ultimately, as Mum 101 acknowledged in her excellent post, there’s some good stuff deeper in the Times article about the relationships between bloggers and advertisers. Like this gem from Ciaran Blumenfeld of Momfluential.net:

It’s like we’re playing seven minutes in heaven. The brands know they need a blogger. The bloggers know they need a brand. When everyone gets in the closet, nobody knows what to do with each other. It’s like we’re all 13 again.

I’d love to see the Times do a story on how bloggers are figuring out who their markets are and where their income can come from, without resorting to a lot of unnecessary snark.

I would also love to see less emphasis on the professional aspects of blogging and more on the social and creative aspects, within the blogosphere and in the media that reports on it. The truth is that for the vast majority of mums who blog, blogging is a hobby and a creative way to let off steam, express themselves and record the mundane and magical moments they encounter raising their kids.

The fact that most of them won’t make a living at it doesn’t mean their hard work should be diminshed or mocked, or that the few who do it professionally deserve anything less than respect.

But what do you think? Are you a mum who blogs? What do you look for in a blog?

Photo: Giovanni Gallucci